the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
