my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
