just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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