dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
