someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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