Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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