One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
