I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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