I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
