i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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