the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
