We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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