We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
