Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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