Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
