So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
