Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
false alarm, still single
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
