Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
