just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
