He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
