how can u be prego again
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
