Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Someone came in the potted fern
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
