I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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