I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
