just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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