Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to sanitize my soul.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
