He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
