It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
