ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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