So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
