so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
