Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
