It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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