so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
