I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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