He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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