It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
