GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
