the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
