Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
