Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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