Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
