i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
40s are totally the cure
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
