I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
