I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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