we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
