I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
