Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
