Are we in a gay sports bar?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
