do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
