so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
